


Pursuing a search for "peace"

by dramaticpainter



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Canon, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Kim Joonmyun | Suho-centric, Krisho sukai hunho one sided attraction, Light Angst, M/M, Other, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-20 18:14:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10668099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dramaticpainter/pseuds/dramaticpainter
Summary: It feels like he’s always giving 200% of himself and sometimes it looks like he’s trying too hard;Suho is not perfect, and that’s what’s make him lovable. But, why does he feel so insecure?





	Pursuing a search for "peace"

Junmyeon didn’t think he could be a great idol, he wasn’t perfect enough, a bit too lazy and unorganized but he was a great actor, has handsome features and a nice enough voice. But more than that he had a good background and a lot of wit. 

 

He was recruited in SME back in 2005 and at the same time, he created himself a persona, someone strong and composed who can be trusted but at the same time cute and sweet, someone who looked proper and perfect but was easy to talk to.  
So, in the years he went through being a trainee under SME, he had already made himself a reputation and even had a little fan club. People loved him and he tried to never doubt he would debut even if it took years. And it took him almost 7 years to make it. But he was still surprised and overjoyed when Lee Soo Man told him he’d be one of the leader for their new group EXO back in 2011.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

«If I was born again, I’d still want to be in exo» Suho confidently said to the interviewer four years later.

 

 

Inside, Kim Junmyeon was just that close to scream out how much he loathed just the thought of it. He is exhausted after another busy day of runing around, throwing smiles here and there as everyone around him only expect him to works days in and days out. But as he was returning to the dorm, he got a phone call from their youngest.

 

«You know why I’m calling you.» was what Sehun stated as soon as he answered the call.

 

« Y-yes? No? What’s going on?» he stammered out.

 

« Gosh, how many time I have to tell you to throw away your yogurts when you’ve finished eating them it’s like, what? the third time this week? And the nth time this month? It’s getting old.» Sehun complained in a frustrated voice. This is an old habbit that Junmyeon never could get rid of, to the point that even the fans knows of it. The more he thoughts about it and the less he wanted to do anything about it.

 

«Sehun... I’m sorry I won’t do it again ok? I’m on my way back.» was what Suho always answered even if both of them knew he would do it again. And Sehun just couldn’t stay mad at his forgetful hyung even if he really was a little frustrated.

 

«Ok….Ok, just come back safely.» Sehun answered and hung up wondering why he even tried to confront Junmyeon about it. 

 

Then he realized he just wanted a reason to call him. He needed to hear his voice to know he was alright, and of course, he will never admit it. Showing too much concern for his leader could become burdening and that's not what he wanted; Junmyeon had enough worries.

 

Junmyeon looked weirdly at his phone before sliding it in his back pocket, just happy he wasn't in trouble.

 

Junmyeon being himself can get away with a lot of things, that’s also why he likes to push it time to time. Like that one time he hurts his hand a little and used it as an excuse for months to avoid doing chores, or when he was late for a music show and the manager took the blame for him.  
He thinks he can act a little spoiled time to time, and no one can deny it. 

 

Firstly because he is Exo’s leader and is doing a damn good job in this role, secondly because he is the one everyone wants advice from and lastly because he is just so lovable.

 

What he didn’t like in being Suho was that he didn’t know how to stop that act anymore, the line between Suho and himself was still there but Junmyeon spend too much time inside. It’s like he didn’t know how to get Kim Junmyeon out. It's like if he had separate personalities, one is weak, grumpy and pessimistic while the other is what he usually shows everyone.  
Now that he was trying to get roles in drama or movies , things got complicated. He’s always been Suho and it was near impossible to get into another character, resulting into second rate acting on his part. And acting aside, he really just wanted to stop being himself.

 

He had too much to hide. He felt so insecure, jealous of his members success while he seemed to be the only one lagging behind. But Junmyeon can hide all his feelings really well behind the lie that is Suho and he can make people believe in whatever he wants them to. Just by letting them think he didn't care being invisible. He was only needed when they didn't know what to say in interviews after all. Only needed for the things no one else wants to do. 

 

It’s not that he didn't like his fellow members or that they didn't like him. It's just that whichever way he looked at it, it’s always him bending backward trying to please everyone.

 

Suho came back to the EXO dorm and cautiously stepped inside, in the living room he spotted Sehun sitting in the couch. When Suho got behind him, he gently put his arm around Sehun’s shoulders and put his head on Sehun’s head, back hugging him.  
Sehun relaxed into the touch and sighed as if he was waiting for it.

 

  
“I’m back.” Suho whispered, all he wanted to do right now was lay down and cuddle. Sehun nodded, got up from the couch and got around it before linking his arms around Suho’s middle and kissing his forehead.

 

«Oh? Junmyeon-hyung? did you just get back?» Jongin stepped in the living room and his expression hardened for an instant, looking angry, before settling in a smile and if Junmyeon wasn’t looking for it he wouldn’t have noticed.The younger now seemingly unfazed by what was happening in front of him.

 

«Yeah, I did. I’m really tired though, we’ll be going in our room» Suho threw him a smile from where he was in Sehun’s arms and watched his reaction. Exo was a really close group, it shouldn't be something that could bother Jongin, unless...

 

«Ok, I’ll tell you when dinner's ready. Chanyeol is going to cook.» Jongin said still smiling.

  
«Thanks» said Sehun taking Suho away before he could respond.

 

 

Junmyeon was worried, it’s been awhile since Jongin last came to talk with him. He could see something changed in the way he acted around them. On top of it, Sehun was acting strangely possessive. He wasn’t blind, it was obvious that they had something on their mind but he decided to ignore it as he couldn't be sure. Give it a little time and soon they'll be over it. He didn't want anything to change but maybe it was already too late.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

In short Junmyeon didn't believe in love or relationship, why should he be bothered by something so fleeting and tricky. These sort of feelings aren't compatible with the carrier path they choose to follow.   
And a little bit like Sehun and Jongin now, Yifan didn't get the memo, he had never been one to be discreet, always following his guts. With all the responsibilities he and Junmyeon shared together, they obviously became closer in a very short time. And Yifan, not once stopping to think about the consequences, confessed to him.

Things went sour between them after Junmyeon coldly rejected him, ultimately leading to Yifan’s departure. They could have dealt with it better, maybe, if they weren't so stressed and busy promoting at the time, they would have tried to talk about it. But Junmyeon had too much pride and Yifan was too impulsive, leaving too soon. Nothing could salvage their friendship.

Junmyeon, feeling immensely guilty, did his best to be strong like Suho. Supporting the group in every way possible until things settled down. Of course Junmyeon wasn't the only reason for Yifan's departure but he was a part of it. He really felt like it was his fault, maybe if he hadn't been so overly friendly or if he tried to be more understanding.

 

That being said, things of the past can't be changed. After that, everything became both better and worst, Zitao and Luhan left, triggered by the loss of their leader. But Exo kept growing with fame. Luhan never really did aknowledge Suho as a leader, maybe because of their age or maybe because he was in Exo-M. He was nonetheless very friendly with everyone in the group, and of course, they weren't ready for him to leave so soon after Kris. But the blow was lessened, it didn't hurt as much the second time around. Zitao took more time before coming to a decision, but it was something he had often discussed with the members, letting him leave smoothly and without hard feelings was the wisest choice.

 

That being said, sometimes Junmyeon still wonders, How could any of that have happened? only to come up empty. He haf only himself to blame, he didn't know who to blame but himself.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

Sehun leaded the way to their room. They used to have two bed on each side of their room but they decided to combine them to make more room and they figured it was easier to share the same bed. Some of the other members did the same thing following the example. Everyone in Exo are close to each other, they had to be after being together for so long and facing the same hardships.  
Little did they know Suho played a part in some of them.  
Laying in their bed, Junmyeon slowly closed his eyes and forced himself to relax by Sehun's side. But little Junmyeon, still feeling stressed and still in the process of overthinking the past years, starts to count backward slowly in a weak attempt to try and calms himself down.

 

They woke up an hour later to the sound of Baekhyun’s loud singing and laughter. When Jongin knocked on their door, they were already up even if Sehun was unwilling to let go of his hyung. Junmyeon got up first, nudging Sehun with his foot until he got up too. Then, the three of them got down in to the kitchen where Chanyeol and Baekhyun chats animatedly while the other members are already sitting at the table. Yixing and Kyungsoo being the only ones missing. They can’t see them as much as they’d like to, because of yixing’s activity in china and Kyungsoo’s new drama. Their hectic schedules never really matching.

 

But no one is complaining because it would be harder for him if Yixing had to fly back to korea in between each of his schedules and it’s a very good opportunity for Kyungsoo’s acting career. All of them understood. It’s rare for them to spend time together and even more for them to eat together so even with two persons missing they’re still going to enjoy the diner.

 

Everyone is thankful of what they have right now, they are one of the most popular group out there and they have a whole fanbase that wish only for their happiness.  
Junmyeon started eating as he couldn't put his mind around why that statement felt so wrong in his mind.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

When was the last time he felt at peace? He must have reached a crisis in his career, why is he so stressed theses days?

 

In the mirror he still looks healthy, healthier and livelier than ever but if you search for it you’ll find the tired lines beneath his eyes and the white roots peeking under the hazelnut die job.  
He daydreams, thinking his skin isn’t as nice as Sehun’s. That his eyes and lips aren't as pretty as Kyungsoo’s and his voice isn’t as nice as Jongdae's. He’s not a mood maker like Baekhyun. He’s not as tall as Chanyeol. He isn't respected like Minseok and he’s not a great dancer like Jongin either, nor is he multitalented like Yixing.  
But he still is their leader, he still has that spot left and he still has that much responsibility.

“I trust my company, I trust that they chose me as a leader for good reasons.” he tells himself looking past his reflexion. “But, I wasn't the only chosen leader,” is what he doesn’t say aloud.

None of this should have happened and nothing really went as planned. His doubts are starting to grow at an alarming rate and he doesn't want anybody to know. He tells himself he can still keep going, forced positivity, dad jokes and sarcasm. Anything to both make his members feel better and lead as always. He can’t let them think like he does. He can't let them down.

 

He felt his breath coming short as panic started to grow inside of him.

 

You cannot break, you are strong, make your fans proud. Don't be a burden for anyone.Close your eyes, count to ten, calm down. You're going to be alright.

 

One. Breath in.

 

Two. Breath out.

 

Three. Breath in.

 

Four. Breath out.

 

Fiv-

 

«Junmyeon-hyung! Are you finished? It’s already three pm, we really need to go to the airport.» Sehun called with an whiny voice from the doorway. Nodding in affirmation, Junmyeon hurriedly left their shared bedroom, clumsily tripping over some closes on the floor, earning a chuckle from both Sehun and Jongdae as the later was passing by to get a jacket in his room.

 

«You’re so hopeless.» Jongdae commented shaking his head with a smile before continuing his way.

 

Junmyeon gave a crooked smile, the words replaying again and again in his head like a broken record. "hopeless" such a fitting word to describe him. It was becoming harder for him to smile recently. He noticed how he became more and more sensitive, a few months ago he wouldn't have thought deeper of theses kind of remarks, brushing them off with a laugh and an equally playful comeback. Still he didn't like how he felt weird, frustrated and salty over nothing.

 

Remembering other seemingly innocents occasions where he was the butt of the joke, he wondered if they actually meant it when they said having him as a leader was worst than not having a leader at all.

 

He's doing everything, he really is giving his everything for Exo, always. What is he really here for? Did he really do everything that could have been done? Of course not. His lazy ass can't even get their new choreography right. Leave alone getting his members to stay or mediating between the members and the company. Does he really look that much like a pushover? Why is he so weak? Where is Yifan when he needs him? Why is he even thinking about that asshole? As the thoughts passed inside his head he felt guilty that he pushed the fault on their ex-leader. Blaming his incompetence on the depart of a former member was cheap. He thought he stopped feeling betrayed long ago, all the more since he didn't have the right in the first place. Just why is he lying to himself? Of course he’s doing his best, but his best isn't enough, his best feels forced, his best seems fake in the eyes of other.

 

He thought about the conversation between his managers, about him. They were talking in hushed voices about a recent interview, saying how unnatural and empty Suho was, it was a wonder that he had fans at all. In the line of work he chose, the opinions of the audiences is what count the most.

 

And he’s just starting to realize that he's just a piece of trash undeserving of being under the spotlight.

 

Tears of frustration were already streaming down his face when Sehun reached for his shoulders terribly worried about why Junmyeon was so unresponsive. The leader was so deep in his thoughts that he didn't notice he still had an audience. Lifting his head Junmyeon looked through his blurry vision at the face of his clearly shocked roommate. He slowly lifted his hands touching his cheeks as if he didn't believe he was really crying when a broken sob wracked through him. 

 

«Oh my god.. I really don't know what's happening to me» he said with difficulty, his breathing fast and laboured. 

 

Sehun, not knowing what to do, took him into his arms as he called for help from the other members.  
Pressing his face in the crook of Sehun’s neck, he quietly counted to ten.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

The incident was right away reported to the head directors of SME by the managers. Of course the mental health of an idol from the most popular korean boys band in the world is a big deal. But they can’t give him a break, they can’t risk anyone knowing Junmyeon, more known as Suho, leader and guardian of Exo has something going wrong. They said to be careful, that he was very pressured and that he needed help before it became worst. A freak, he’s weak, so weak and more of a burden than ever. He knows he’s not the only one feeling pressured, Chanyeol has insomnia and can't push himself to much or he would faint, Yixing has so much to put up with as the last chinese member that he often would call Junmyeon telling him his worries in between his packed schedules.

 

The members came to him when they needed advices or comfort. That’s one of the only thing he was good at, comforting his friends, being a strong shoulder to cry on. And it was robbed from him, why would they still come to him now that they know what kind of a broken leader he was. Worthless, that’s what he thinks he is. He should just disappear. 

 

Suho still went on stage, he looked at all these blinding light and tried to forget everything. Drowning in the loud cheers of the crowd and the voices of his menbers carying through the venue. And he sang, he danced, he screamed for his fans. He tried to make up for everything giving his all to the crowd of anonymous persons, looking far into the moving mass willing himself to move, to please, to feel again. But to no avail he still felt so small in the middle of it all, everything rushing on him the sounds, the lights all bluring together until he was left alone with nothing else but the sound of his heart beats and his heavy breathing. Deafening silence in a crowded venue.

 

Unsurprisingly, his members couldn't believe that their leader was anything but the cool headed, confident and happy guy he always was in front of them. Ever since he broke down, Junmyeon didn't even try to look strong in front of them. It was pitiful to watch.

 

Minseok wondered how much of the annoyingly overconfident leader was a facade. He was too scared to admit it might be all of it.

 

 

-

 

 

Junmyeon stopped trying altogether unless they were on camera or in public, still hell bent on not being too much of a burden. 

 

The relationship between him and Exo became tense, they didn't know how to approach him. It's like he was a different person on and off the stage. They had their lovely and strong leader on stage and that shadow of a person in the dorms. It's already been one month since they last tried to talk about it. And some of the fans noticed the changes in their behaviour, it wasn't oblivious but it was there and if they kept it up, they wouldn’t be the only ones to notice.

 

The managers were called by the CEO.  
When they came back one of them took Junmyeon aside while the rest of them talked to the other members. Of course, they were yelled at, they said how unprofessional they were and to resolve the problem soon. If not the board would take action. And by that, they meant they would take some money from their pay to create a scandal involving them dating and hide the truth behind it. It wouldn't be the first time, they thought bitterly. One of them dating looks better than one of them being casted out, they don't want another T-ara case.

 

Junmyeon had thought he hid it well as he cursed at himself. He felt guilty, if only he could disappear. And more than just for his friends, he felt bad for his parents. What kind of parent would want a son like him. It’s been awhile since the last time he talked to them. Would they notice if he disappeared? Wouldn’t it be better if he wasn't part of their life?

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

«Just what does he want from us?!» shouted Jongin clearly frustrated, breaking the heavy silence in the living room.

 

«Leave it alone! Why are you so insensitive he just needs time just shut it!» Baekhyun shouted back stepping closer.

 

«Time? TIME? It’s already been one fucking month! His state is only deteriorating!» Jongin shouted reaching for the collar of his shirt.

 

«Enough!» Kyungsoo tried to calm him down putting his hand on his wrist but Jongin broke free, his arm nearly hitting Chanyeol’s face as he stepped in to try and break the fight.

 

Glaring at the elders, Jongin toned down his voice «I’m scared. Why is he acting like a stranger now when just a second ago he was acting like everything was fine… I can't pretend anymore, something is clearly wrong and what are we supposed to do if he don't want to let… us in.» “to let me in” is what he nearly said,his voice breaking at the end. The rest of them nodded along while Sehun stayed silent.

 

For the first time in what seems like forever, none of them had a schedule and decided to do a group meeting, Junmyeon was usually the one to suggest it and not having him there made them feel incomplete. Suddenly, Minseok got up, power walking to the missing leader bedroom closely followed by the rest of them all wondering what their oldest member had in mind. And to be honest he didn't really have a plan.

 

He bursted through the door and turned on the lights in the room only to find Junmyeon curled up under the blanket on Sehun’s side of the bed, softly sobbing judging from the slightest movement of his shoulders and the sniffing sounds. The sight begore them broke their hearts as they froze in their steps.

 

The frail looking figure slowly raised, the blanket falling down his once strong shoulders. «I heard you shouting,» he said softly with a slight tremble of the lips, a thin veil of tears covering his cheeks «I’m sorry» he continued with an even softer voice if possible. Jongdae, getting over his initial shock over discovering their leader breaking down and looking so lonely, made his way to him, «What are you apologizing for?» he asked in the softest comforting voice he could muster and even then it felt too loud in the silence as he took one of his hand on his lap, rubbing his thumb over it in what he hoped was a comforting manner. After one bit of silence, Junmyeon opened his mouth only to close it again letting a sob out instead. 

 

Frustrated, Sehun passed his hand through his hair and sat on the bed looking directly in Junmyeon eyes, searching for something, anything. He felt betrayed, and so useless. He would do anything to make Junmyeon feel better as he tried to convey his feeling through his gaze.

 

«You won't help anyone by glaring at him Sehun.» Baekhyun said sitting beside them on the bed. 

 

«Nether will you by arguing with each other Baekhyun.» Chanyeol stated not realizing he was now crying too as he sent a look at the others still at the doorway urging them to come closer. 

 

One by one they filled the space around their leader all nine of them fitting on the bed.  
Junmyeon was getting increasingly uncomfortable from the attention, but he missed being close with his group. Feeling dumb and guilty he wondered why he couldn't have just told them everything in the first place. What an hypocrite he was, organising group meetings and asking the members to never be afraid of confessing their worries when he, himself, kept it all bottled up.

 

«I can't be your leader,» Junmyeon said out loud without meaning to.

 

All eyes went straight to him, disbelief written on their face, accompanied by shocked sounds.

 

«Are you going to leave?» Yixing asked calmly, tears brimming into his eyes as he looked both hurt and angry.

 

«No!» Junmyeon answered quickly knowing fully well how it would affect Exo and remembering every discussion they had together. 

 

«Then what do you mean by that?» Yixing asked the question everyone wanted to ask, trying very hard to keep his voice calm.

 

Yixing wasn’t really angry because of Junmyeon but he was angry that something could have changed his friend so much, angry at himself for not noticing earlier. He decided to take him in his arms and the rest of them followed the example not really knowing what else to do. A group hug with that many people was awkward of course but Junmyeon felt secured and a lot less scared of rejection. 

 

As his tears dried out he finally spilled all of his worries and fears, each of them starting with "Please forgive me,", the members closely listened not once interrupting their friend as he was sobbing again.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

Junmyeon woke up disoriented, he fell asleep sobbing last night and now his eyes were hurting. He looked around and found no one around him in his single bed. He got up feeling like crying again as he remembered his past as a member of Exo.  
A bitter smile formed on his lips thinking that he shouldn't have any regrets, they have done it all, gave their everything and now they’re older, wiser. Concerts after concerts and comebacks after comebacks they met so many people, delivered so much energy and made themselves a place in history.  
Even with all the efforts his members gave to make him feel better, he still had some insecurity and he still couldn't allow himself to love. But even like that, there were sad occasions and happy occasions but only good memories remained. He feels lucky.  
And this time he genuinely believe that if he was born again he’d still want to be in Exo.

 

 

 

> _"We are one! EXO, Saranghaja!"_


End file.
